I wrote this post in 2014! Sadly, it never made it to the light of day. I wonder why I never publish it? Oh, well, the Universe unearth it when it was needed. Let me be thankful for that!
I For days I have been searching for my book titled “Boundaries.” With it being misplaced I felt like I had lost a dear and devoted friend. My life seemed as if it was getting off course and I needed sound advice that I could trust. I needed reassurance that it was okay to live life with boundaries despite what others thought of me.
So, today, as I began cleaning off my desk guess what I found? My book! Yeah! I found my book! And now that I have found one of my spiritual lifelines I want to share a snippet of its content:
Remember the old saying, “insanity is genetic. You inherit it from your kids”? Well, boundaries aren’t inherited. They are built. To be the truth-telling, responsible, free, and loving people God wants us to be we need to learn limits from childhood on. Boundary development is an ongoing process, yet its most crucial stages are in our very early years, where our character is formed.
I was never taught to have boundaries. As a matter of fact, I was taught it was wrong to have them. Therefore, I became a doormat for everybody to step on. And more times than not, they cleaned their nasty dirty feet on my soul. Their cold and calculated actions showed each refused to acknowledge I was part of the human race. And, sadly, I must write I believed them! And when I put boundaries in place to keep people, messy people, on their side of life, I was told I was mean. The comment would cut me to the bone and blind me from seeing I was being manipulated.
Healthy and strong boundaries are set when you know your truth.
The story about the heroic actions of a brother named Bridger touched and will continue to impact my life.
I belong to a very large family. My experiences with them leave me questioning the true meaning of family.
My mom died in May. My world was shattered!
The next thing I knew I had two adult women come at me sideways. They felt they had the rights to speak to me in tones of disrespect. From their behavior and voices I became me, brutally honest. I told them they weren’t my nieces. Both women became besides themselves. It was clear to see they felt they could reject but frowned on being rejected.
For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints. 1 Corinthians 14:33 KJV
It was apparent the younger sister was following the older sister as each put their heads together to bring down their giant, this giant, the one they created in their minds. So I quietly stood my ground as each did what they felt needed to satisfy their delusional souls. But! It wasn’t the hate and hateful actions of the two women that throw me for a loop it was the actions of my oldest sister once again that caught me off guard!
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Well! I tried to be understanding and put myself as the executor in my oldest sister’s position. And I kept her in the loop of things as I talked to this person and that person concerning our mother’s estate. Only for me to find out she is, as I suspected, part of the reason why these two out-of-control women have made it their objective to destroy me.
My mom had 5 children, three girls, one boy and one unaccounted for. My mom taught me to be responsible for and to my siblings. The older two children raised by my saintly grandmother never learned that lesson. They were selfish as kids, especially the middle oldest girl and they grew into selfish adults. Neither women have ever came to my aid when I found my back against the wall. Instead they joined my enemies to do whatever evil as my mom watched.
While writing this long ass story, I’m gaining understanding that my mom’s youthful decisions paralyzed her when it came to correcting her older children’s behavior. And, sadly, their jealous ways were passed onto their children. And each are okay with their destructive behaviors when it comes to me and my family.
My mom is gone. I can’t exit the final act of our journey together until her estate is settled. The life I crave dances behind curtains of unknowns. But one thing I know that’s worth the wait is cultivating stronger relationships with my children and friends.
Bridger’s story brings joy and sadness to my heart at the same time.
His sister is blessed beyond her ability to comprehend the sacrifices her 6 year old brother gave to protect her life. Their parents have done a great job at teaching them about love and life. Way to go!
Every younger sibling wishes and long for the protection of the oldest sibling. In my case I didn’t get that. What I got was a life conviction of being tied to sisters that weren’t worthy of my loyalty and love on any level. Yet the love I have and held for the woman responsible for my beautiful life I love kept me trying to give birth to something not wanted.
My mom’s death released me from her one-sided mindset of what family should have been. And as I read the below Facebook comment on Denver 7 ABC I grew new understanding about family, life and love:
Jéanne BotesBest brother ever! Not just for saving her, but for not abandoning her when things got tough and leaving her to face that horror alone. That’s the real meaning of family! ❤
“The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
I’m reading COVID-19 is on the rise in the following states Alaska, Montana, Wisconsin, Idaho, Ohio, Nevada, Delaware, Kansas, Tennessee, South Carolina, Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia, Hawaii, Texas and Florida.
If you live in these states you gotta be smarter than the average person [if you’re planning on surviving].
COVID is like a bullet. It carries no name and you don’t know where it’s going to come from. Your best defense is preparation.
face mask [Walgreen]
hand sanitizer [grocery stores]
Lysol/Clorox wipes [Costco/Sams]
Lysol/Microband Disinfectant Spray
Vitamins D and C
Right now people are still rebelling against suggestions on staying safe. Other words they don’t know “fat means grease” and this is your time to gather product. Everyday retailers are restocking shelves with so much of this and that. So! Again! Now! Is your time to get two big packages of toilet paper and paper towels. It’s a great time to get 5 cans of soup each time you go to the store, meat products, veggies, soaps, sanitizers and etc. Other words buy what you’ll need! And! Don’t forget to purchase Tylenol and vitamins such as D and C.
Shop for these items often until your cabinets are stocked! But! Don’t use credit cards unless you’re planning to pay the full balance when payment is due. Always use cash when stockpiling.
Shopping like this means you’re not clearing the shelves. You will fly under the radar of limitations and should people panic again you won’t be among them.
If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience. ~Robert Fulghum
Yes, this is another unpublished post from 2013. I read as if I wasn’t the author. I was surprised about the content. I had forgotten those feelings concerning my husbands infidelity. He apologized. I apologized. We’re back on track building our life as a couple.
Yesterday I was speaking to a loved one. They shared some of their heartaches, disappoints, and the frustration as to how to continue on striving for financial freedoms. Little did they know I am drowning in life’s problems but I took a moment to pray for them; afterwards, I prayed for them throughout my day. I asked the Lord to grant peace in their life. I prayed their mate would appreciate the little things they were doing. I requested that their child would say I love you just because. I guess most of all I prayed that the person in sorrow knew someone cared.
Life is funny! Not a “HeHe HaHa” funny. But a funny where when you feel everything is going okay then something happens to push you back into a crises. Or it may seem like you are being pushed into a crises.
My marriage appears to be over. My friends are giving their advice as to how I should stay in it by saying such as, I should have an affair or affairs with men 20 plus years younger [yikes!] or call it quits. I know I should not laugh but I am laughing as I write about the end of my once wonderful marriage. I don’t think we planned, no, I know we didn’t plan to find our marriage in disrepair but it is. He avoids me. I feel his avoidance is a way of hoping I will return to the state of catering to his every need (spoken and unspoken). But I don’t see a way out or even a way to repair our marriage if he is not willing to change.
No I’m not a woman that has made a man feel less than a man. I have loved my husband with all of my innermost being because he loved me first. He saw me as a beauty when others had given me up for lost. As stated, I loved him because he did love me. He says he doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t work at making our “hanging-on by a thread” marriage whole again.
I know I should not discuss my marital problems with friends, family and loved ones, but I have such wonderful people in my life. I value their opinion. It doesn’t mean that I will always take their advice but I do respect their suggestions; even the ones that will make me seem and feel like a heel the next morning. Laughter! I’m not sure about having an affair but I have entertained the thought. I have never been unfaithful to any mate and I’m not sure if I could start now, but I tell you I have had some great fantasies that consisted of good looking men. Yeah, baby! Thank God I have not allow my inward hurts to manifest because I would have given my poor hubby the boot! Laughter!
And when I speak to male friends about the problems my husband and I are facing I’m told I spoiled him. Spoiled him! Unheard of! At least that is what I thought. But as I find the energy to live today I am seeing my mistakes as my husband’s friend, lover and wife. I’m not sure if I want to save this marriage because he is putting up a fight for things to remain the same; but things can’t remain the same because I have changed. I’m stronger. I’m wiser and I am self loved. I’m afraid my husband will wake up and find himself alone again. He is a nice guy but his unharnessed faults are eroding our relationship.
Here’s another one of those post I blogged in April of 2013. And, again, it didn’t get published because I didn’t believe I was a good enough writer. I’ve made no changes really to my then thoughts. The words are what they are because I felt them then.
Well [pause] [sigh] before I started this post I tried to tackleanother irrational comment that YouTube voyager said about Black women, but I became greatly frustrated. Not because I could not argue my point(s) but I need facts. Unfortunately the facts weren’t in our favor on one particular subject. At least not yet! Therefore, I have selected to discuss the roles Black women play as spouses and in motherhood. Given my personal and professional experience I can hold my own in speaking on Black women and their roles as suitable mates and raising children.
“We may not be able to prepare the future for our children, but we can at least prepare our children for the future.” ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Honestly, I don’t know what rock this man crawled from under but he needs a realty check when it comes to discussing issues concerning Black women; and without question he surely needs to learn how to support his off-the-cuff theories with facts; because from where I sit he is very provincial in his comments. He and his bad advice to those that will listen to him gives me the creeps! He sounds like a Black Hitler in the making! Really!
Hitler was a horrid man! Horrid! He was a great orator. He made people believe they could fly when they could not. But he was a horrible man with a horrible plan! He made people kill their disable loved ones, in addition, he made people kill an ethnic group because each did not meet the standards or have the features of what he perceived to be the perfect German.
People! People! People! “Those that fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it.” Do you know who said that? I know who said those wonderful words but do you know? Because they are true! To me this young black man on YouTube is like Hitler. He comes across as a great speaker. He gives perception of being concern with humanity. But soon as he begins to speak his cover is blown once he starts attacking a gender group, a race, and or a specific color within a race. Frankly, he is worse than Hitler. At least Hitler was trying to preserve the best of his race, but this foolish man is trashing his own race without preservation and feels good about it! “He is a mad man begetting more mad men!” Can you tell me where I got that quote from?
Yes! I love to read and I enjoy old movies and I learn something new every day. And for the love of God . . . I don’t understand how any person can stomach to watch, read, and listen to words that kill the soul, the very essence of what makes a person human. I have spent enough time discussing that foolish man and men like him. Now I need to discuss why women of color make excellent wives and mothers.
At 17 years old I was too young for motherhood and marriage, however, I was not alone. My life experience was limited and so was the countless teen moms that were pregnant during the same time. Neither, either, had no clue we were not mentally and emotionally prepared for motherhood and or marriage; but we were either pregnant and or married with no life experience.
I believe becoming an excellent parent and spouse is a life skill that is taught and in my case spiritually supplied. As a young mom without a mentor I was an awful mother. As a young wife without a mentor I was an awful spouse. Sadly life failures taught me how to parent and how to love a man once he became my husband. Now that I have been through the stages of life I am prepared to meet the challenges of getting my children and grand-daughter ready for their life journeys.
Several months ago I told my grand if you sleep with a boy then you will have a boy/daddy for your child’s father. I told her she could not expect a boy to grow-up overnight because he got her pregnant. This is a big problem among teens and young adults with children.
Girls and young adult women want boys and young adult men to turn into father material after they get pregnant. Not going to happen! Why? Because each female group is trying to fill a void. A void that was caused by their parents failure to successfully grow up before starting a family. Sadly, each female group is trying to connect or bond with a male on the level of fatherhood. The more they try to make these unwilling boys and young men turn into their dream of what a dad looks like they will always have opposition.
Just because a man/boy whispers in your ear during an intimate moment about making you his wife or wanting you to have his children does not mean he is ready for fatherhood. It only means he knows how to get you going sexually! Because a responsible man will tell you up front what he expects out of the relationship before it gets started. And if a responsible man feels you are wife material he will ask for your hand in marriage before creating children.
Perhaps the following is something to redeem my youthful decisions to become wife and mother so young, because I saw my young husband as a fool:
“When a woman thinks her husband is a fool, her marriage is over. They may part in one year or ten; they may live together until death. But if she thinks he is a fool, she will not love him again.” ~Philippa Gregory
At the time when I became pregnant and a wife, I did not know how to cook for a husband or be a nurturing mother to a screaming baby. On the flip-side, my young husband did not know how to provided for a pregnant wife and later a child; worst he failed morally when he sought comforts in another young woman’s arms and they created a child. Are you seeing where I am going with this?
Everyone must start the lesson of becoming a good parent and an excellent mate at some point during their life. Inexperience does not mean Black women are not parent and wife material. It only means some Black women need help in learning the craft of nurturing their young and being their husband’s main support system. With that written I feel this is a good stopping for point today. Have a great one!
Good morning! On April 17, 2013 @ 2:16 pm, I wrote this blog post. Again, seven years later I’m posting another thought because I’ve learned I’m enough. Good writer or bad writer, I’m enough and I matter.
I want to share with you something I heard and learned sitting among Black men in “The Black Man’s Country Club.”
I had taken my son’s in for their haircuts. I was the only woman in the barbershop.
The men were in a heated discussion. Then this man spouted the following words: “If you don’t want Black people to know then put it in a book.” His words fell on my attentive ears like a star falling from the sky and hitting Earth with a full explosive impact!
My inward response was “What!”
So without showing I was offended I asked the gentleman to expound on his statement. His response clearly showed he was an educated man. He had no problems unpacking his statement.
He told me when he was young his dad told him that statement. He went on to say that Black people fail to read on average. He felt we fail to teach give our children the gift of reading.
Based upon my experience as a substitute teacher I knew he was correct without facts. And more so, I was dumbfounded by his statement and response because he openly discussed the issue of illiteracy among Blacks in a public setting.
And! Get this! The Black brothers that were able to join in the conversation was added to his statement! It was then I realized I had lived a sheltered life.
Let’s just say his willingness to discuss a problem that has kept Blacks from advancing was stimulating. I love good conversation I don’t mind discussing any subject including politics, race, religion and etc. I have learned and continue to learn if you don’t know how to have healthy discussions on subjects pertaining to the advancement of humanity then you can’t be an effective mover or shaker; and if you’re not an effective mover or shaker then you really can’t make a difference, and if you can’t make a difference then you are wasting the life God purposely gave you! Therefore, my sisters I challenge you to take yourselves and a loved one or a kid that has latched onto you to your local library. Expand your knowledge on many subjects.
I have found most times when people get loud during conversations it is because they feel they are loosing their argument or the ability to sway a person to feel about a subject they are passionate concerning. And most of all, because Black women have not been taught to defend their arguments; therefore, they are afraid to engage in a heated debates especially when it concerns them.
So in conclusion, women of color let us get the party started for our gender group to advance and show the world “Black Women Have It Going On” by learning new subjects, increasing our vocabulary, learning how to pronounce words correctly, learning how to effectively write, learning how to argue our points of interest and overcoming fears on what other’s think or say about us as people, a gender group, and part of a race!
Wow! April 14, 2013 @ 9:13 a.m., I wrote this 750 word blog post. Today, May 8, 2020, seven years later, it is finally being published without concerns of being judged for grammar. I’ve come full circle when believing I’m enough and I matter.
Laughter! The other day before I published America New Frontier for African American Slave Descendants I called a White girl friend to get her opinion on what I wrote. At first I could hear her looking through papers. But desperate for input I continued to read her my post. She became silent and the background noise stopped. She was so quite I thought her cell phone had dropped the call. So I asked, “Joyce are you still here?” She responded with “Yes.” I said, “Okay” and I continued reading. After I finished reading the post I informed her I was done and awaited for her input.
This is what she had to say, “Hell girl Black women are not the only ones that need to hear this. White women need encouragement too! I think your post is great but you need to write to women in general.” Inwardly, I thought “Okay!” Did my friend miss the point! Or did I miss the boat! Laughter!
This is not a blog of segregation. It’s a way for me to discuss and share my feelings as a Black women living in America. I once wrote why I started blogging in my own name. I never went into detail what I was researching when I discovered how people, groups, race and men felt about Black women being the lowest in lifeforms. Each internet article, blog, YouTube video, and other social media kept hammering away at Black women and their characters; as if we have no feelings at all! Yet, everyday somewhere in the world a Black woman is giving birth to another female that will be picked apart until Black women stand together and fight back by refuting ignorance concerning our gender group.
I personally feel these malicious rumors are spreed to keep women of color from advancing personally and professionally. What am I saying? I’m saying the world as a whole do not want Black women to raise up and be account for and keep their heads up in the process. Why? Because spiritual, emotionally, and mentally we are strong, and where there is strength there is power, and where there is power there is the possibility of becoming number one! Think on it! Black women haven’t done anything to the world to hate us, yet, we are the most picked upon and picked apart group of women. As a matter of fact, I find the world has done its’ fair share in trying to diminish our gender group; its efforts hints extermination for Black women; and, again, we refuse with the aid of God to become extinct. Hello!
I love being a Black woman. To say I hate being a Black woman would be an insult to God. What I hate is ignorance concerning women of color. I hate we are by forced to coward down. I hate that sometimes by choice we allow others to dictate our future as people, a gender group, motherhood, marital status, and part of a race. Therefore, I will say it again. I will keep saying it. Black women have the rights to dream and dream big! And they have the rights to pursue those dreams. What bothers me is not the ignorant smudges on our character placed by uneducated people, but the fact Black women won’t come together on one accord for the good of our gender group. I have experienced first hand being sold to the highest bidder by a sister of color. Nothing hurt worse than knowing she sold me for a meager employment position. As I stood realizing I had became the “Judas goat” I gave her a glare only a woman of color understood. From that day to this she can never speak to me in public or private settings.
So to all my non-Black friends and non-Black people this is not a blog to segregate. It is a blog to encourage a group of women that is, and have been for a long time, under attack; so, please don’t take my words personal. I am always there to encourage everyone! But for the moment I am here to encourage Black women. We need encouragement. We need to know we matter. We need to know that those we say horrible things about us are fools and foolish. As a gender group we need to come together for the good of Black women and etc.
This post might get a few women upset. But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t piss a few folks off every now and again.
For me, a mother of three sons, the statement that makes my stomach churn as a parent and a woman is: “I’m raising my son so he will be a good mate for a woman.”
No! What they’re raising is the perfect man for them!
They didn’t find the perfect man so in their sick minds they are robbing their son’s from rights of passage. In efforts of being deemed a good woman for tailoring their son’s to be a good man for a woman such as them.
They have no clue that children should be showered with love and understanding; as they learn about themselves and the world around them.
Romance between a man and woman is a sacred moment. It’s a moment when two adults find common ground for love beyond what they first knew as children. It’s the moment when love is transformed into emotional fireworks and passion outside of what a mom can give. So, a man child should never be singled out and be fashioned to meet women’s criteria because his momma and or caregiver could not find a suitable partner.
Trust me when a man meets that special person she will have a few ideas of what’s romantic to her. And in the end it’s not what momma want it’s what our son’s and their significant partner want.