Day One: Favors

Taboo Tues Blog PhotoI’m a person that do not like to ask people for favors.  And I really become leery when others offer to help me.  My feelings aren’t because I’m too proud or I have problem with accepting help.  It’s just down through the years other’s expected more of me than they gave and request more of me than I was usually willing to give.  So, now, if I can’t get a task done then it goes pretty much undone.  At least until I figure out how to do it myself since I want to avoid the depressing feelings of being used.

Lord, is this truly what healthy looks like?

 

If Adults Don’t Have Sexual Self-Respect why Should Kids?

Photographer:  Unknown
Photographer: Unknown

About a year ago my husband and I were having marital problems.  I hated him.  He hated me.  He blamed me for our financial problems.  I blamed him for our financial burdens.  It was clear to see my husband and I were at war.  And, sadly, those that loved me took my side of things.

With a hint of amusement their marital advice normally centered around sex came at the wrong time in my life.

It was bad enough that I was dealing with a bad marriage.   But having to deal with accepting my loved ones as out of control horny women just complicated matters.  I wasn’t in need of sex!  I needed sound judgment and advice.  But what I got was the freak show extraordinaire!  And when I write “horny women” I mean they were and are ‘horny women.’  And God bless their little hearts!

Beyond question the conversations between me and my loved ones made me blush of shame.  I was so embarrassed for them, especially when they started going into details.  OMG!  Who were these women?   How could I have not known these wonderful women walked on the wild-side of freakishness?  Who knew?  Cause I didn’t know!  And when they became willing to share their sexual adventures I became scared for them!

One Caucasian friend was full of sexual suggestions.  First, she told me I was in my prime and I needed to find a young man in his prime (age 36+).  What!  Sorry!  But I’m not into younger men.  However, I’m not going to say I didn’t consider having an affair but a younger man never enter my thoughts.  And as a mom I would feel creepy having sex with someone around my children’s ages.  I was in disbelief that my friend could even suggest that I date a young man!  But!  Hey!  To each their own!  Right?!!  Right.

Needless to say my facial expression took on many forms as she was giving me poor advice.  I knew her indiscreet but caring words were expressed to help me overcome my marital woes.  Yet, had I followed her bad advice I would have made matters worse.  And, besides, what woman in her prime really wants a sweaty young man pouncing on her fragile and aging body.  Seriously!

I think as a person gets older they recognize their body is becoming fragile.  And because of aging the perception of people really seek to find the truest meaning of intimacy to sexual pleasures.

Honestly, I no longer thirst for sex like a young woman in heat.  I stopped allowing men to abuse my body years ago.  And as I’ve grown older I want intimacy instead of acrobatic sexual encounters.

I would calmly write, after years of searching for wholeness, my age, my soul, and my spirit are now on one accord.  And all the parts of me agree that I’m older and passed the desires of uncontrollable lust.  Unconstrained lusts that make people do foolish things for sex!  So, like I said, my friend’s suggestion, if taken, would have only complicated matters.  And I’m so glad that my prayer “Lord, help me grow old gracefully” won out.

But when I didn’t take her advice on getting a younger man she came up with another plan to help me. I inwardly thought, “Does this woman ever quit giving bad advice!” because her second plan was funnier than the first.  Below is the conversation between her and myself one-day:

Joyce:  It looks like I’m going to have to pull out the blue boy since my hubby will be working late hours.
Me:  (Inwardly Thinking)  “blue boy?”   (Finally asking) Joyce what the hell is a ‘blue boy?’
Joyce:  It’s my toy!
Me:  Your toy!  You got one of them things?
Joyce:  Yeh!  Don’t you?
Me:  Hell!  No!  (laughing historically)
Joyce:  Well!  I’m going to buy you a BIG black one when I get some monies!
Me:  Oh, no!  I don’t need one of those things!
Joyce:  Yes, you do, little Missy!

I was so appalled that my friend would state that she was going to by me a sex toy.  I thought she was overstepping her boundaries.  And, regrettably, I didn’t have the nerves to tell her such.  However, I did have the grit to discuss the matter with others.

After sharing the story with those in my circle I found out many of them had sex toys!  OMG!  What’s wrong with people!  Why has society become so sex craved?!!!  What ever happened to modesty?

Each found my reaction to my friends’ statement hilarious.  They laughed and made jokingly comments as if I was out of touch with the birds and the bees.  But I have news for them:  As long as I am alive I will always have sexual thoughts.  I will always want to be sexually pleased by my husband as I am pleasing to him.  And if I gotta have a toy what does that say about my husband ability to satisfy me?  And how will having a toy make my husband truly feel as a man?  And what types of sexual deviants will I open when allowing such into my bedroom?  I don’t even want to imagine what would or could happen!

Flash back moment:  I just thought about that movie by Tyler Perry.  Now what was the title?  Hum . . . Temptation!  That’s it!  That movie was so true to life.  I could only stand to watch it once.  Once was enough for me to get the message about self-destruction being nicely wrapped in a pretty package of promiscuity and naïvety.  Well any-who-how . . .  The conversation that pushed me over the edge when it came to owning sex toys was with a younger family member.

Family member:  You need to get you a toy.
Me:  You got one of them, too?
Family member:  Yeah!  Don’t you?
Me:  Hell, no!
Family member:  You should get one.  As a matter of fact mines need new batteries.  I’m working on my second one!  That’s all I give to brides at bridal showers.
Me:  (Laughing too hard to say without chopping my sentence.)  I don’t think so!
Family member:  Why not?
Me:  I like the real thing.  Besides I would never want my kids to find such should I die.
Family member:  What the hell will you care.  You’re dead!

I must admit her last statement was true.  I would be dead and my cares for this world would no longer be an issue.  But I’m a wife to a wonderful over the road truck driver.  I’m a mother of three awesome black men.  I’m a step-mother to four beautiful white women.  I’m a grandmother with eight grandchildren.  I’m a daughter to a wonderful and lively old woman.  And even though I don’t like my sister’s, I love them and respect them despite of our differences that keep us apart.  I have some amazing nieces and nephews that I love as if they were my own children.  I have wonderful aunts and uncles and a host of cousins I consider closer than siblings.  I have an array of friends that I love like brothers and sisters.  And with so much love abound I’m realizing I’m blessed!  Truly blessed!  And the one legacy I want to leave all that love me and all that I love is self-respect.

What I leave behind should not become a final moral issue for my family, friends, and loved ones to deal with.  And more importantly I do not want my son’s to see nor neither handle such a personal item as a sex toy.  The thought of them discovering such a thing makes me sick as their mom and as a woman.  I know my words sound prudish but I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination.  I just think people are jumping off the cliff of self-respect and killing themselves morally because they can’t control their sexual impulses.

What! You Want The Public to Pay for Your Wedding?

Photo taken by:  Annette Harrison
Photo taken by: Annette Harrison

Are you crazy!  Can you help me pay for my son’s college tuition?

Today 7 News of Denver posted an article asking people if they would turn to crowdfunding to help pay for their wedding.  I was appalled to read that people have stooped to such level of greed.  So I commented with the following:

Never have I ever gotten upset with a post from your station until today! LOL’s. People can do what they want and ask for what they want but it doesn’t mean I have to support it. And if people are living outside of their means and others want to be foolish enough to support it then each party have my blessings. But this post upsets me for many reasons and many of those reasons have been stated.

Why would I pay a $ towards a person’s wedding or honeymoon. It’s their wedding it’s their honeymoon. And its rude to ask people you don’t know for anything let alone something so extravagant as a wedding or honeymoon.

The wonderful thing about gift giving is that it is an expression of love. Love has no boundaries, yet, this act places boundaries on love and gift giving; and removes boundaries from money and logic. It’s another act that removes self-respect from people’s characters. It truly shows how young people these days are being raised with no self-respect. No wonder we have all these senseless killings.

People need to sort through their priorities!

Because there is no commitment in any of this! No commitment on the parent’s part to pay for their daughter’s wedding. No commitment on the groom’s part to pay for the honeymoon. HONEYMOON! Get it! He’s the one that is having the intimacy pleasure in enjoying her “honey” not the public! And if he can’t afford to pay for her ‘honey’ in an overused bed then he should not be taking her hand in marriage!

Listen up needy couples!

Listen up young man!  If a woman and her family can’t afford to pay for her a lavish wedding don’t allow them to drag you down with them by asking the public for pleasure money.  Take a stand and tell them you want a small wedding you can afford.  Don’t you realize they are taking your manhood away when they go begging the public for money?  Or, are you a man?!!

Listen up young woman!  If a man can’t afford to take you on a honeymoon of your choice then you need to become acquainted to living within his means at the beginning of your and his life’s journey as man and wife.  Because if you don’t, I see some dark and rocky days ahead for the both of you!  And divorce is right around the corner!  Learn how to build your man’s manhood and a future with lasting memories.  Instead of building a wedding that will end on a sour note as each of you are feeling to damn with the memories that other people paid for.

Nothing in life worth having comes easy!  So stop trying to live like the Joneses.

Granny’s Wisdom: The Family Killed Their Cash-cow

Honour killing 01“I killed my daughter as she had insulted all of our family by marring a man without our consent, and I have no regret over it.” –Farzana Parveen’s Father

Yesterday, I entered into a social hornets nest.  The group topic I chose to comment on was about a young 25-year-old Pakistani woman.  She was several months pregnant and married a man 20 years older with five motherless children.  The price she paid for not seeking family approval on the man she married was death.

What makes this crime worse than horrible is she was stoned to death by those that should have loved her most, her family.

And what socially puts this on the Richter scale as being the most horrible crime done in the name of God are the religious head-hunters.

But this crime had nothing to do with religion.  Her father clearly stated, ‘she had insulted all of our family by marring a man without our consent.’  He said nothing about them persecuting her for religious reasons.  Yet, those that dislike any form of religion say’s differently; including one of the groups I belong to on Facebook.

Their viewpoints on the matter are why I’m writing this blog post.  Because according to the admin she first expresses the matter as “not directly religion based, but an honour killing.”  Then she turns around and writes, “However, religious laws which are rampant, which treat women as chattels and not as people, and which place their only value in marriage and breeding are responsible for the attitudes which make honour killiings so common.”  

It’s a sad state of affairs when a group of people have nothing better to do with their time outside of bashing religion and religious groups.  And it is even sadder when the group fail to accept reality that no one, no religious entity, or social group is perfect; not even theirs.

I feel the statements of the admin smacks of headhunting.  And after viewing the news clipping of an overseas television station that stated the crime was cultural and not linked to Islāmic faith practices my thoughts were confirmed that the group was out for religious blood.

Apart from pointing out the group’s efforts for blaming religion, I felt the administrator and those within the group straddle-the-fence when it came to addressing the real issues about what lead up to the untimely death of the young woman.  Blinded by religious prejudices each group member failed to see the true culprit(s).  Yet, they were hell-bent in their dogmatic practice in making sure I understood their cock-eyed viewpoints on the subject; which was by the way religious practice was behind the stoning.

As I saw things, their viewpoints held validity for those that hate religion and those that do not follow God.

One gentleman basically stated religious people were brainwashed.  And that those who choose to believed in God were delusional because they believed in “imaginary friends in the sky.”  Oh isn’t he cute!  Just a bit of sarcasm! He went on to tell me that he needed to teach me theology because I knew nothing of the word of God. I felt his tainted knowledge kept and keeps him prisoner of his self-absorb very flawed character.  I got his point!  But his arrogance stopped him from getting mine.  I knew he wanted me to understand that if I understood the word of God as he deduced it, I would not be so apt to follow Christ.  Hum . . . Whatever!

Honestly the real gem of his religious mockery was him babbling that I was trying to convert him!  Convert hell!  I was defending my faith and my rights as a follower of Christ to state what I felt was truth in this particular “honour killing.”

Then after Mr. I Have Courage Behind The Computer Screen tried to shame me for being a follower of Christ among his peers, his little goonies chimed in!  And the insult game was on!

Each person tried to tell me that I didn’t know what I was talking about.  They were spewing out their rehearsed anti-religion scrap quickly!  They wanted the key players to know they were on top of their positions as being group gophers.  And to make sure they got group acknowledgement for their efforts in setting this indoctrinated idiot straight, they would every so often ask for a pat on the head after their self-destructive comments.

I knew exactly what I was stating and why I made my comments.  I knew they were talking about honour killings.  I also knew they were straddling the fence by agreeing with ‘not directly religion based, but an honour killing’ misleading statement.

Honestly, as a logical person, I want to know what does that statement really mean?!!!  And how is their key-board courage helping these defeated women?

Farzana Parveen is just one of many women that will be killed this year in Pakistan.  Many of their deaths will be administered by family members.  And thinking for themselves will be their crimes.  These types of killings, (no! wait!) any type of killing is wrong!  For any reason!

As an American, as a woman, someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s niece, someone’s aunt, and someone’s mother, I feel the women in Pakistan should have the right to marry the man of their choice!  They should have the right to marry for love.  They should have the rights to decide if they want to continue cultural tradition in allowing their family to pick their husband.  But they should not be killed for any reason; and certainly not because they used their brain.

These women are not cash cows!  Yet, cultural practice deems them so!  And because Farzana Parveen used her brain to stand up for her dignity she was stoned to death.  The organ that made her Farzana Parveen was smashed out of her body.  And no one stepped up to the plate to help her.

The men in her family that brutally attacked her and the men on the streets of Pakistan that sat/stood by and watched this unthinkable crime publicly dishonored themselves.  There is no honor in a mob killing let alone killing a helpless pregnant woman!

And as for supporting my argument below:

“Call it what you may but this was not a religious honor killing. This senseless act was a killing of selfishness. It had nothing to do with religion but everything to do with monetary disappointments. And sadly religion of any kind, mainly Christians, are being blamed here for this horrific act. Only far left wing and far right wing groups would partake in an inhuman act; and, thus, called themselves justified. The ex-boy friend was upset because he had something to gain from the marriage of convenience and lost it when she married for love. The father was upset because the man she married didn’t have as much as the man he choose. So after she failed to leave the man she loved and professed her love in court the father was angered even more because of his monetary losses! Therefore, they killed her out of anger and the rest went along because they failed to use their small brains. So! No! This was not a religious act! This was a crime of economy! A crime that can be considered as a selfish monetarily motivated act and it didn’t happen in America! And all involved should be captured and tried for murder.” –Annette Harrison

Tune in next time!  But remember to prayer and or do something to help other’s.

Granny’s Wisdom: Do Not Wear Out Your Welcome

This is my second cousin, Felicia Hayes, and my grandmother, Queen Hayes.
This is my second cousin, Felicia Hayes, and my grandmother, Queen Hayes.

I wonder how many people have heard the phrase “do not wear out your welcome.”  Hum . . . I first heard the expression from my grandmother when I was young.

Back when I was once a kid, and a know-it-all, it seemed my late maternal grandmother would always say those words to my cousins, my siblings and me.  I’m not sure how my family members took her wisdom; but back when I was a child I thought my grandmother was old, uncaring, uneducated, mean-spirited, and truly out of touch with the mental and emotional needs of the young.  [chuckle]

I can remember as if it was yesterday sassing her for this or that.  But nothing stands out more than the time she would not let me go over to my cousin’s house as often as I wanted.   And, sadly, it was late into my adult years before I understood the meaning ‘do not wear out your welcome.’

As I’m looking back on things and reflecting upon how I dismissed her words of caution, I now understand why my life was filled with heartaches.

I hate to admit to myself but I deserved all the bumps I got from being hardheaded; and my self enlightenment really makes me feel foolish about things I had blame on others.

Well, any-who-how . . . It was by divine revelation I found the phrase in the Bible one day.  I was shocked!  It was amazing to read that God gives his children the same warning!

Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house– too much of you, and they will hate you. Proverbs 25:17

The message I get from this passage is:  don’t be so darn clingy!  Get a life!  Explore parts of your life without others.  Enjoy family when can.  And remember a bit of you goes a long ways.

I’m coming to terms with my granny’s wisdom.  My grandmother has passed but her words live on.  And each day that I live I think about her abrasive and unharness wisdom.  I’m learning she was indeed the smartest woman I will ever know and most of all she loved me.

Inspirational Fridays: Letting Go vs. Moving On

Claiming What’s Yours

You need to claim the events of your life to make yourself yours.  When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take same time, you are fierce with reality.  –Florida Pier Scott-Maxwell

Photo Taken From:  www.usatoday.com
Photo Taken From: http://www.usatoday.com

It takes a long time to understand the difference between letting go and moving on, especially if you try to bypass the transitions following life-altering change.  Most women believe we can avoid transitions by becoming very busy.  “Waiting, done at really high speeds, will frequently look like something else,” observes Carrie Fisher hopefully.  Its’ called multitasking.  How often do we use the congestion and sheer occupation of our days to anesthetize ourselves against emotion, thought, and action?  When I make myself busy and permit the activities swirling around me to grab my attention, I tell myself over and over that I can’t think today about the choices I should be making or mourn what my heart is begging my brain to remember.  Call it the Scarlett Syndrome.  I’ll think about that tomorrow.  I’ll grieve over that tomorrow.  After all, tomorrow is another day.  “Life must go on,” Edna St. Vincent Millay Wrote, “I forget just why.”

Sarah Ban Breathnach

Taboo Tuesdays: Learning to be Happy in Your Skin – Part II

Last week I shared the following story:

MA Concerned Mom asked:

I have asked my friends and family a million times but nothing works maybe someone can give me something else to try? I have a daughter who is 5 she is half african american half white. She is a beautiful girl but she HATES her color (carmel). Ive tried explaining to her that she is beautiful and no matter what color she is she is beautiful. Ive tried explaining everything to her it dont work! My son is very pale color and she seems to be so jealous of him I even have a hard time getting her to go to her.dads house or family’s cause she dont want to be around “colored” people. Its like she resents them for her color! She often ask who God punished her and made her brown or if she can paint herself white. Please someone have tips? Im out of ideads..

Taboo Tues Blog PhotoWhen I read the story something about the content tapped into my hidden issues of self-hatred.  I immediately recognized the unhealthy emotions as painful childhood memories.  Honestly, I wanted them to remain buried.  Mainly because they are suppressed memories from my childhood.   I didn’t know how to deal with them.  Yet something bigger, something greater, did not want my feelings of hopelessness to stay buried.  Apparently it is time I visited the giants that seemed so much bigger to the little girl in the photo.

Coming across the plea from a hopeless mother has changed my life.  The story casts light on my life learned lessons about self-hatred.

Now that I am an adult I am wiser than the little girl within that continues to feel helpless, unloved, and ugly.  Unknown to her I can go to the giants of rejection, abuse, and self mutilation.   I can knock on their door without fear.  I can barge my way into restraint places as a protector of hers and my mental well being.  And most of all I give my spirit the authority to emotionally rescue the little girl in the photo and join her with the woman I have become.

Love yourself, for if you don’t how can you expect anybody else to love you? ~Author Unknown