Saturday Funnies: New Entrance Policy in Heaven

Photo credit:  Unknown
Photo credit: Unknown

New Entrance Policy in Heaven
(Author Unknown)

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done.  So the Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died.  If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven.  But if not, they had to go to Hell.

The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what’s happening.  “You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died.  If it sounds good, you can go ahead.  But if not, you go to Hell.”

“Ok,” the man says. “Well, for awhile I’d been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I’d leave work early and catch her.  Sure enough, I got to my apartment and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn’t find him.

Then I remembered that we lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn’t let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.

“Wow!” St. Peter said. “That really is bad! You can go ahead…”

The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story.

“Ok,” the second man said. “So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony.  Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me.”

“Suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands.  He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with a hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn’t enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me.  And now I’m here.”

“Wow, that’s a good one too! You can go ahead…”

The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died.

“Ok,” the third man said. “I don’t know what happened. I was hiding naked inside this refrigerator…”

Saturday Funnies: In Praise of Women Over Forty

Life After 40As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, “What are you thinking?”  She doesn’t care what you think.  If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.  Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.  Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.  Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.  Older women are forthright and honest.  They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one.  You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her!  Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.  For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize.  For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”, here’s an update for you.  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.  Why?  Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!


 

Author is unknown but this is an embellished version of “In Praise of Older Women” by Frank Kaiser


 

Saturday Funnies: Some People Come With Special Instructions

Memo From Life MGMTToday I was looking for something funny to post.  I stumbled across the website “Not Always Right.”  Some of the stories are okay but then some of them are down-right hilarious.  As I was searching for a funny story to share I had a blast reading the comical moments of others.  The story I’m sharing reminds me of something I would do as a germaphobic.  Happy reading!

Stupidity Is Not To Be Sniffed At
RESTAURANT | UK | BIZARRE, EXTRA STUPID, FOOD & DRINK

(A customer comes to the till and orders a tea and a coffee. I make it and take it over to them. Two minutes later the customer is back.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you gave us the wrong drinks.”

Me: “Tea and coffee was it?”

Customer: “Yes”

Me: “That’s what I gave you.”

Customer: “But you gave it to us the wrong way round.”

Me: “Sorry, but can’t you swap them?”

Customer: “Well, no. She has already smelt it.”

Saturday Funnies: Grandma Still Drives

Grandma Still Drives 

Angry Drivers

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She
writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that
the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t
honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of
God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Saturday Funnies: Steve Harvey’s Dad Monster Makeover Gone Wrong

This is the saddest but cutest video of a dad trying to fit in with family fun!  It really does make you say, “Awh.  Poor kids.  Poor dad.”

 

Saturday Funnies: Key & Peele “Black Republicans”

It’s not a secret among my family and friends that I am a black Republican.  Most black people who are Democrats ask me, “What the hell are you thinking?”  And as usual I respond with laughter as they stand there ready to aggressively argue politically.  Sadly they forget I have the same freedoms as they to choose whatever.   However, this morning a friend sent me this video via email.  I thought it was priceless and filled with humor.  And I enjoyed the video for so many reasons.  My only hope in sharing this video is that others will see the humor in political nitpicking.  Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!  –Annette

 

Saturday Funnies: The Due Process of Elderly Women

Apparently a young man was running late for work when he saw a car accident.  He called his boss to leave a message about his delay.   But afterwards he finds himself giving a blow-by-blow account of what was taking place between a man and elderly women.  This is truly the funniest story and voicemail I have ever heard.