Saturday Funnies: New Entrance Policy in Heaven

Photo credit:  Unknown
Photo credit: Unknown

New Entrance Policy in Heaven
(Author Unknown)

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done.  So the Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died.  If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven.  But if not, they had to go to Hell.

The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what’s happening.  “You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died.  If it sounds good, you can go ahead.  But if not, you go to Hell.”

“Ok,” the man says. “Well, for awhile I’d been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I’d leave work early and catch her.  Sure enough, I got to my apartment and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn’t find him.

Then I remembered that we lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn’t let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.

“Wow!” St. Peter said. “That really is bad! You can go ahead…”

The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story.

“Ok,” the second man said. “So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony.  Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me.”

“Suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands.  He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with a hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn’t enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me.  And now I’m here.”

“Wow, that’s a good one too! You can go ahead…”

The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died.

“Ok,” the third man said. “I don’t know what happened. I was hiding naked inside this refrigerator…”

Inspirational Wednesdays

MARIA W. STEWART

From Religion and the Pure Principles of Morality, the Sure Foundation on Which We Must Build

Though black your skins as shades of night, your hearts are pure, your souls are white.

This is the land of freedom.  The press is at liberty.  Every man has a right to express his opinion.  Many think, because your skins are tinged with a sable hue, that you are an inferior race of beings; but God does not consider you as such.  He hath formed and fashioned you in his own glorious image, and hath bestowed upon you reason and strong powers of intellect.  He hath made you to have dominion over the beasts of the field, the fowls of the air, and the fish of the sea.  He hath crowned you with glory and honor; hath made you but a little lower than the angels, and according to the Constitution of the United States, he hath made all men free and equal.  Then why should one worm say to another, ‘Keep you down there, while I sit up yonder; for I am better than thou?’  It is not the color of the skin that makes the man, but it is the principles formed within the soul.

Many will suffer for pleading the cause of oppressed Africa, and I shall glory in being one of her martyrs; for I am firmly persuaded, that the God in whom I trust is able to protect me from the rage and malice of mine enemies, and from them that will rise up against me; and if there is no other way for me to escape, he is able to take me to himself, as he did the most noble, fearless and undaunted David Walker (Gates 203).

References

Gates, Louis, and Nellie McKay.  The Norton Anthology.  New YorkW. W. Norton & Company, 1997. Print.