I wrote this post in 2014! Sadly, it never made it to the light of day. I wonder why I never publish it? Oh, well, the Universe unearth it when it was needed. Let me be thankful for that!
I For days I have been searching for my book titled “Boundaries.” With it being misplaced I felt like I had lost a dear and devoted friend. My life seemed as if it was getting off course and I needed sound advice that I could trust. I needed reassurance that it was okay to live life with boundaries despite what others thought of me.
So, today, as I began cleaning off my desk guess what I found? My book! Yeah! I found my book! And now that I have found one of my spiritual lifelines I want to share a snippet of its content:
Remember the old saying, “insanity is genetic. You inherit it from your kids”? Well, boundaries aren’t inherited. They are built. To be the truth-telling, responsible, free, and loving people God wants us to be we need to learn limits from childhood on. Boundary development is an ongoing process, yet its most crucial stages are in our very early years, where our character is formed.
I was never taught to have boundaries. As a matter of fact, I was taught it was wrong to have them. Therefore, I became a doormat for everybody to step on. And more times than not, they cleaned their nasty dirty feet on my soul. Their cold and calculated actions showed each refused to acknowledge I was part of the human race. And, sadly, I must write I believed them! And when I put boundaries in place to keep people, messy people, on their side of life, I was told I was mean. The comment would cut me to the bone and blind me from seeing I was being manipulated.
Healthy and strong boundaries are set when you know your truth.
If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience. ~Robert Fulghum
Yes, this is another unpublished post from 2013. I read as if I wasn’t the author. I was surprised about the content. I had forgotten those feelings concerning my husbands infidelity. He apologized. I apologized. We’re back on track building our life as a couple.
Yesterday I was speaking to a loved one. They shared some of their heartaches, disappoints, and the frustration as to how to continue on striving for financial freedoms. Little did they know I am drowning in life’s problems but I took a moment to pray for them; afterwards, I prayed for them throughout my day. I asked the Lord to grant peace in their life. I prayed their mate would appreciate the little things they were doing. I requested that their child would say I love you just because. I guess most of all I prayed that the person in sorrow knew someone cared.
Life is funny! Not a “HeHe HaHa” funny. But a funny where when you feel everything is going okay then something happens to push you back into a crises. Or it may seem like you are being pushed into a crises.
My marriage appears to be over. My friends are giving their advice as to how I should stay in it by saying such as, I should have an affair or affairs with men 20 plus years younger [yikes!] or call it quits. I know I should not laugh but I am laughing as I write about the end of my once wonderful marriage. I don’t think we planned, no, I know we didn’t plan to find our marriage in disrepair but it is. He avoids me. I feel his avoidance is a way of hoping I will return to the state of catering to his every need (spoken and unspoken). But I don’t see a way out or even a way to repair our marriage if he is not willing to change.
No I’m not a woman that has made a man feel less than a man. I have loved my husband with all of my innermost being because he loved me first. He saw me as a beauty when others had given me up for lost. As stated, I loved him because he did love me. He says he doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t work at making our “hanging-on by a thread” marriage whole again.
I know I should not discuss my marital problems with friends, family and loved ones, but I have such wonderful people in my life. I value their opinion. It doesn’t mean that I will always take their advice but I do respect their suggestions; even the ones that will make me seem and feel like a heel the next morning. Laughter! I’m not sure about having an affair but I have entertained the thought. I have never been unfaithful to any mate and I’m not sure if I could start now, but I tell you I have had some great fantasies that consisted of good looking men. Yeah, baby! Thank God I have not allow my inward hurts to manifest because I would have given my poor hubby the boot! Laughter!
And when I speak to male friends about the problems my husband and I are facing I’m told I spoiled him. Spoiled him! Unheard of! At least that is what I thought. But as I find the energy to live today I am seeing my mistakes as my husband’s friend, lover and wife. I’m not sure if I want to save this marriage because he is putting up a fight for things to remain the same; but things can’t remain the same because I have changed. I’m stronger. I’m wiser and I am self loved. I’m afraid my husband will wake up and find himself alone again. He is a nice guy but his unharnessed faults are eroding our relationship.
A couple of years back my husband and I loaned my son’s girlfriend five thousand dollars to purchase a car. We should have known when the first payment came due and she made no efforts to contact us or start repaying the monies she took that it would never be repaid.
Her actions aren’t unsettling as the actions of people that claim to like and love me are. Loaning her such a large amount of money purchased me life lesson’s I will never forget.
This is what I’ve learned:
Some kisses and hugs that come across as sentimental are fake even when they come from trusted family members and loved ones.
Not everyone rejoice when you strive for and gain financial security.
Not everyone wishes you well.
Promissory Notes don’t secure your efforts in retrieving monies loaned.
Only evil people pretend to love you,
and only jealous people are glad for your misfortune.
What happened to me was a Black on Black crime. She’s black. I’m Black. She took money she never meant to pay back.
Since that unfortunate moment I’ve learned about helping others, especially when I’m also in need of financial help.
The money she kept was money that would have paid upcoming and expected bills.
My husband and I paid an expensive price for the lesson I needed to learn. If there’s a silver-lining in all of this I venture to write, I’m the better for what took place because I learned many things about “man’s inhumanity to man.”
I wonder how many people have heard the phrase “do not wear out your welcome.” Hum . . . I first heard the expression from my grandmother when I was young.
Back when I was once a kid, and a know-it-all, it seemed my late maternal grandmother would always say those words to my cousins, my siblings and me. I’m not sure how my family members took her wisdom; but back when I was a child I thought my grandmother was old, uncaring, uneducated, mean-spirited, and truly out of touch with the mental and emotional needs of the young. [chuckle]
I can remember as if it was yesterday sassing her for this or that. But nothing stands out more than the time she would not let me go over to my cousin’s house as often as I wanted. And, sadly, it was late into my adult years before I understood the meaning ‘do not wear out your welcome.’
As I’m looking back on things and reflecting upon how I dismissed her words of caution, I now understand why my life was filled with heartaches.
I hate to admit to myself but I deserved all the bumps I got from being hardheaded; and my self enlightenment really makes me feel foolish about things I had blame on others.
Well, any-who-how . . . It was by divine revelation I found the phrase in the Bible one day. I was shocked! It was amazing to read that God gives his children the same warning!
Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house– too much of you, and they will hate you. Proverbs 25:17
The message I get from this passage is: don’t be so darn clingy! Get a life! Explore parts of your life without others. Enjoy family when can. And remember a bit of you goes a long ways.
I’m coming to terms with my granny’s wisdom. My grandmother has passed but her words live on. And each day that I live I think about her abrasive and unharness wisdom. I’m learning she was indeed the smartest woman I will ever know and most of all she loved me.