Saturdays Funnies: And They Didn’t Feel A Thing

Photo taken from:  http://www.elephantjournal.com/
Photo taken from: http://www.elephantjournal.com/

(Bellevue, WA)

On Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.

The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault.

They each injured themselves and not the other.

It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn’t feel the pain.

Saturdays Funnies: How To Insult Intelligent Women

Photo taken from:  http://www.elephantjournal.com/
Photo taken from: http://www.elephantjournal.com/

(Bangkok, Thailand)

A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.

“We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling,” Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.

In an interview published in “The Nation”, the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding: “Intelligent women tend not to be good looking.”

Saturdays Funnies: Better Than Saying “I Love You”

Photo taken from:  http://www.elephantjournal.com/
Photo taken from: http://www.elephantjournal.com/

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.  He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.  Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.  So was the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey breakfast is on the stove.  I left early to go shopping.  Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious.  Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh That!  Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said,” Lady, leave me alone.  I’m married!  ~Author Unknown

 

Saturday Funnies: New Entrance Policy in Heaven

Photo credit:  Unknown
Photo credit: Unknown

New Entrance Policy in Heaven
(Author Unknown)

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done.  So the Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died.  If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven.  But if not, they had to go to Hell.

The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what’s happening.  “You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died.  If it sounds good, you can go ahead.  But if not, you go to Hell.”

“Ok,” the man says. “Well, for awhile I’d been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I’d leave work early and catch her.  Sure enough, I got to my apartment and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn’t find him.

Then I remembered that we lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn’t let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.

“Wow!” St. Peter said. “That really is bad! You can go ahead…”

The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story.

“Ok,” the second man said. “So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony.  Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me.”

“Suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands.  He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with a hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn’t enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me.  And now I’m here.”

“Wow, that’s a good one too! You can go ahead…”

The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died.

“Ok,” the third man said. “I don’t know what happened. I was hiding naked inside this refrigerator…”

Saturday Funnies: Some People Come With Special Instructions

Memo From Life MGMTToday I was looking for something funny to post.  I stumbled across the website “Not Always Right.”  Some of the stories are okay but then some of them are down-right hilarious.  As I was searching for a funny story to share I had a blast reading the comical moments of others.  The story I’m sharing reminds me of something I would do as a germaphobic.  Happy reading!

Stupidity Is Not To Be Sniffed At
RESTAURANT | UK | BIZARRE, EXTRA STUPID, FOOD & DRINK

(A customer comes to the till and orders a tea and a coffee. I make it and take it over to them. Two minutes later the customer is back.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you gave us the wrong drinks.”

Me: “Tea and coffee was it?”

Customer: “Yes”

Me: “That’s what I gave you.”

Customer: “But you gave it to us the wrong way round.”

Me: “Sorry, but can’t you swap them?”

Customer: “Well, no. She has already smelt it.”

Saturday Funnies: Grandma Still Drives

Grandma Still Drives 

Angry Drivers

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She
writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that
the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t
honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of
God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Inspirational Fridays: Sisters Episode 1: Strawberries

If you are having a bum of a day you gotta watch this video!  It will keep you in laughing for hours!  My question is “Does anyone really converse like this?”  Laughter!

Saturday Funnies: Being Green

Photo taken from:  http://www.elephantjournal.com/
Photo taken from:  www.elephantjournal.com

Well, I found another email message I thought was cute enough to pass on.  This one is about a young person lecturing an older person on being considerate of the earth and all its inhabitants.

Being Green 

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today.  Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right — our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store.
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks.

This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building.
We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind.
We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.

Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana .

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn.

We used a push mower that ran on human power.  We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.”

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.  And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart … young person…

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off, especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smart ass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

Thank You !!!

A Little Political Humor: “It Just Hit Me!”

Image Credit:  Getty Images
Image Credit: Getty Images

The other day I needed to go into an email account that I don’t use.  So, when I got in there I noticed I had over 3,600 unread messages.  I panicked!  I couldn’t just delete them all without reading regards; so, what was I going to do about them?  I made a goal!  I figured if I tackled 500 emails a day then I would have the emails cleared within a week.  Today, I only have 95 emails left to sort.  But in my reading I found this bit of political humor.  I thought I would share it.  Enjoy!

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick……….

My dog is a CONGRESSMAN!