If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience. ~Robert Fulghum
Yes, this is another unpublished post from 2013. I read as if I wasn’t the author. I was surprised about the content. I had forgotten those feelings concerning my husbands infidelity. He apologized. I apologized. We’re back on track building our life as a couple.
Yesterday I was speaking to a loved one. They shared some of their heartaches, disappoints, and the frustration as to how to continue on striving for financial freedoms. Little did they know I am drowning in life’s problems but I took a moment to pray for them; afterwards, I prayed for them throughout my day. I asked the Lord to grant peace in their life. I prayed their mate would appreciate the little things they were doing. I requested that their child would say I love you just because. I guess most of all I prayed that the person in sorrow knew someone cared.
Life is funny! Not a “HeHe HaHa” funny. But a funny where when you feel everything is going okay then something happens to push you back into a crises. Or it may seem like you are being pushed into a crises.
My marriage appears to be over. My friends are giving their advice as to how I should stay in it by saying such as, I should have an affair or affairs with men 20 plus years younger [yikes!] or call it quits. I know I should not laugh but I am laughing as I write about the end of my once wonderful marriage. I don’t think we planned, no, I know we didn’t plan to find our marriage in disrepair but it is. He avoids me. I feel his avoidance is a way of hoping I will return to the state of catering to his every need (spoken and unspoken). But I don’t see a way out or even a way to repair our marriage if he is not willing to change.
No I’m not a woman that has made a man feel less than a man. I have loved my husband with all of my innermost being because he loved me first. He saw me as a beauty when others had given me up for lost. As stated, I loved him because he did love me. He says he doesn’t want a divorce but he doesn’t work at making our “hanging-on by a thread” marriage whole again.
I know I should not discuss my marital problems with friends, family and loved ones, but I have such wonderful people in my life. I value their opinion. It doesn’t mean that I will always take their advice but I do respect their suggestions; even the ones that will make me seem and feel like a heel the next morning. Laughter! I’m not sure about having an affair but I have entertained the thought. I have never been unfaithful to any mate and I’m not sure if I could start now, but I tell you I have had some great fantasies that consisted of good looking men. Yeah, baby! Thank God I have not allow my inward hurts to manifest because I would have given my poor hubby the boot! Laughter!
And when I speak to male friends about the problems my husband and I are facing I’m told I spoiled him. Spoiled him! Unheard of! At least that is what I thought. But as I find the energy to live today I am seeing my mistakes as my husband’s friend, lover and wife. I’m not sure if I want to save this marriage because he is putting up a fight for things to remain the same; but things can’t remain the same because I have changed. I’m stronger. I’m wiser and I am self loved. I’m afraid my husband will wake up and find himself alone again. He is a nice guy but his unharnessed faults are eroding our relationship.